Life is fucking weird July 14, 2009

Today is not a good day.

Worst of it all, my baby kitty died today. He was only about a few weeks old. We found him a little over a week ago. He seemed to be doing okay, but he just died in my Marcia’s arms. =[ He was such a pretty little tom cat. Had the prettiest markings on his face and had black fur wiht grey stripes and little boots. He was so sweet. His name was Dizzy.

Secondly, my warped tour plans may be falling through. If I don’t get to go, I will go insane. I need that. Its my life force.

And thirdly… Ok, so this kid who is my half-sister’s cousin’s fiance’s son (read: not related to me, but to the adults its as well as) has a crush on me. He is 13 and is like in loooove. Its so weird because he’s a cool kid, and I want to hang around with him, but I don’t rly like him that way, nor could I “date” him (how does an 8th grader date anyway? I forgot. Gah, I feel so old.)

Blahhhhhhh.

I don’t feel sad about Chris and I. I don’t really feel anything. It seems like something that happened between two other people, not to me…
Is it bad that I detach myself that easily?

Single July 6, 2009

because he said he was “forcing” himself to be in love with me and didn’t want to do that to me.

but it’s okay, because life goes on, and as a friend of mine (*cough*) says:

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

Having a nervous breakdown sucks. July 1, 2009

Ya know what else sucks? Being sixteen and thinking you can have your life all planned out and lah dee dah. Until one day, you realize something that’s relaly important to you, and it conflicts with those life plans, and then you’re suddenly screwed. (And not in the fun way.)

And then you constantly worry about that. And you constantly worry about other issues concerning that other important thing in your life. And you constantly worry about other people. And you constantly worry about yourself. And at some point, all that worrying just EXPLODES and sends you into a mass hysteria of crying, and shaking, and hard breathing and being scared, and claustrophobia.

Yeah, it really sucks.

A tough decision… June 29, 2009

It occurred to me last night that in a few months, I will be entering my senior year of high school. Now, that means a lot of things: hard work, senioritis, and college admissions. For a while, I was ok with the idea of going to ECU with my boyfriend… but in all honesty, it has hit me lately how badly I really want to go to UNC. It has always been my goal for myself, and it’s basically my dream college. (Though, it falls just short of Ivy League status, let’s face it, I’m not axactly Ivy League material, now am I?) It is a very prestigious school, and the oldest in the country, and I have dreamed abotu it for years. Right now, I am a member of the National Honor Society, am enrolled in 3 AP classes next year, and am very active and devoted to the drama department. (Fun fact: According to a UNC rep., when it comes to extracurricular activities, college admissions people are more concerned with how involved you are in a club/organization/etc., than the number of clubs/organzations you are involved in. So stop trying to be a part of the Art Club, the History Club, the Tennis Team and the Debate club all at one time if you can’t handle it and just pick one.) I am determined to keep very good grades next year, and I hope that I will gain acceptance to UNC.

Now, while this all sounds fine and dandy academically, as I was thinking about it last night, I came to a ver real realization: At some point this year, I will have to make a decision between going to my dream school, or staying with the most amazing person I have ever met.

It hit me last night as we were laying down, and he could tell I was upset over something, but I wasn’t going to say what. We have a bit of a rocky past, and the idea that I would have to leave him again tears me up inside. I’m so confused. This will probably be one of the hardest decisions I will have to make, and I’m dreading it.  =/

Amy [lyrics] June 26, 2009

I know the point of the lyrics page is to showcase all my lyrics, but this song is kind of important to me, and I wanted the chance to put it on the blog, because that way it would get more publicity. I would really like some feedback, so if you have anything to share, please do.

See, my best friend has gotten herself into an unhealthy (atleast in my and everyone else’s opinions) relationship. She frustrates me because over the course of our friendship, we have nearly lost each other a few times, and I have fough to keep taht from happening, and right now it feels like she could care less about that at all and is saying “fuck all you guys who care about me” to be with this asshole. This song shows both ways I feel about the situation, how I am angry at her, but how I would be there for her anyway because she’s my best friend.

Amy  [[6/26/2009]]

They say dreams can last so long
but you gave yours up when you were too young
Go on, find someone else
to hide yourself behind.
You know you shouldn’t waste your time
You could have had a better life
but instead you chose a love
built upon a crime. 

And I promised to be there to dry your tears,
but you also promised to be here longer than 3 years

I want to save you, but you won’t let me
You push me away and hide inside a dream
I want to save you, but you’re already too gone
I’m afraid that you have been here for too long.
But I want to save you 

I see you’re falling out of grace,
you’ve lost the glow upon your face
and you’re diseased by things
you should have never seen.
You nearly work yourself to death,
you only speak when you’re out of breath
You’ve lost your friends, your youth,
your freedom, your family.

And yeah, I promised to come running at your call
But do you ever make a point to call at all? 

I want to save you, but you won’t let me
You push me away and hide inside a dream
I want to save you, but you’re already too gone
I’m afraid that you have been here for too long 

So you give up everything,
So you fall apart at the seams
over nothing
(yeah, he’s nothing to me)
So you gave up all your dreams
So I listened to your screams
over nothing
(You’re nothing to me…)

Now it looks like you are done
Another soul to keep so young
I don’t know her,
but I guess one day I will
You could have been much more than this,
but you’re caught up in your bliss
No, I don’t know her
but I know one day I will 

Because if he leaves you both out on the floor
I will be there with my arms open once more 

Cus I want to save you, but will you let me?
Or push me away and hide inside a dream?
I want to save you, but are you too gone?
Have you missed out, have you been here for too long?
I want to save you,
I want to save you,
I want to save you,
Amy, let me save you

P.S. June 13, 2009

Well….

As if to calm my fears from last night, while on the phone with the loving boyfriend last night, we started talking about him proposing to me. And it was pretty much said the he was probably going to propose sometime before the summer is out.

…

=D

I ❤ him.

Very bad picture of me. But oh well. I need to get some new ones on my computer. =] We’re silly like this all the time.

So what’s been on my mind for a while now…

My father has never been a big fan of my boyfriend. My dad has also never been a big fan of me going anywhere but UNC for college. So, earlier today we had a conversation that goes something like this:

“Blah blah blah. College mail. Blah blah.”
“We need to start looking into that soon. It’s gonna take  good bit of money to get into UNC or Wilmington.”
“Well, it’s more like ECU right now.”
“Why?”
“Theather program and English department.”
“Yeah, but UNC is more prestigious.”
“ECU is pretty ballin’ when it comes to any of their arts programs, dad.”
“Who says?”
“Every band kid I know wants to go to ECU for music. And it has a good visual arts and theater too.”
“UNC has the Players Repertoire Theater. Thats a lot better than anything ECU has.”
“Yeah well…”
“You only want to go there because of Chris…” *pause* “Don’t plan your life based on a high school relationship. Things change. Believe me, I know.”

So, after that lovely recounting of a meaningless conversation, I present this question:

What are the chances that we will not make it?

We were apart for ten months, and now that we are back together, we swear that we will never be without the other. Both he and I admitted that our lives simply did not flow the way they should have when we weren’t together. When I’m with him, I can literally picture the rest of my life, I can picture our kids, I can picture us being silly together until we are 80.

But what will the real world make of us. Could the real world break us when deaths, drugs, pregnant friends, parents,  people against us and general high school fucked-upness has yet to?

In short, I’m 16 and totally in love and committed to him – but should I expect the worst anyway?